My Potty Training Struggle…and some umm tips..

Look…..when I say the struggle is real..its fucking REAL…

So you know when you find out you’re about to have a child, and you have all these thoughts and fears because you are about to be solely responsible for breeding this person into a functional adult. One thing you really don’t think about is ….potty training. You know it has to be done, but you don’t think too much about the particulars, like the meat and potatoes of it all. I thought, “It’s not going to be that hard”, especially when the kid started showing signs he was ready to use the potty before he hit the 2 year old mark. He started walking at 9 months, potty training is going to be a breeze! YEAH FUCKING RIGHT-HA! Let me tell you!

At around 17 months, he started taking off his diaper and hiding in a corner when he pooped. I thought “wow he’s ready, this is going to be great!” We moved him to pull ups, and getting him used to the idea of no longer having diapers. (This is my opinion and just MY opinion, but PULL UPS are DIAPERS. There is nothing miraculous or different about them, they’re still some damn diapers with different cartoon characters with a different name, that burns holes in pockets..period.) Under the direction of his pediatrician, purchased a potty to just sit on our regular toilet and got to work! Bought books, played The Daniel Tigers Neighborhood Potty song, let him have his tablet in the bathroom, sat him on the toilet for numerous amounts of time and he still shitted and pissed on himself. He knew every. single. fucking. word.  of that damn song, would come to explain to us the concept of using the toilet, yelled when he pooped or pissed for us to change him, but still decided to sit in his own shit. WHAT THE HELL WERE WE DOING WRONG????? Well, it was as easy as he wasn’t quite ready. So I let him have his space, still put him on the toilet sometimes but felt that 3 we’d start this journey again.  And 3 my friends, was the magic number!

Here’s some general truths/tips mamas

  1. When they’re ready, is dependent on them. Your timeline doesn’t mean shit. YOU don’t mean shit. Your EGO doesn’t mean SHIT. Yes, I’m talking to you Stepford mamas that went and bought the $650 diaper bag with the $60 bottles and $700 stroller, that want to boast you have this potty trained kid. YOU DON’T MATTER and neither does your STUCK UP MAMA FRIENDS.
  2. Speaking of shit, your concept of shitting and pissing will change.
  3. You will cheer, do stupid little dances, high five, look like your child’s personal clown, look like a fool and thank whomever you worship when your kid pees and poops for the first time in the potty and any time after that.
  4. Shitting in the potty vs peeing in the potty are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Trust me.
  5. If you think the 3 day method is this miraculous thing, its NOT, you still have to continue to train. The 3 day method more so shows them the concept and repetitious side of things. I repeat, you still have to TRAIN. You locking your kid up for 3 days, doesn’t make them a pro. Can you learn physics in 3 days?
  6.  If you decide to bribe your kid, that isn’t a bad thing. You are not a bad parent. No one will call CPS on you. It is OKAY.
  7. Buy LOTS of underwear-lots.
  8. Buy yourself lots of whatever vice you like to partake in…ya’ll know what I’m talking about-alcohol, marijuana-I don’ judge
  9. CHILL THE FUCK OUT-eventually your kid will get it

If potty training a boy:

  1. Buy lots of lysol and bleach. Like Costco/Sam’s Club amounts. He will piss on areas of the bathroom/toilet you didn’t even know existed.
  2. He will play with his penis now more than ever. It’s like his own personal toy attached to his body.

What worked for us: I let him go bottomless for a week. The first day he was GOOD! He had an accident on the fourth day where shit was sitting on the rug in the living room, but hey shit happens, literally.. But all in all, the kid has been pretty good, he wears strictly underwear now, holds his pee all night, shits in the toilet only, pisses in the toilet only (sometimes the floor, the cabinet, the wall, but he’s aiming for the toilet is all that matters!) He’s officially potty trained and I’m not sitting in someones AAA meeting because I’ve abused alcohol due to stress. All is well in my world.

 

-Yes, I’m That Mom

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